H

So today I got some really tragic news. One of my previous volunteers (I'll call her H), an Americorps member in school at UL-Lafayette, committed suicide a few days ago.

When she was on my worksite, we worked alone together for much of the week. We were stuck in the rental staircase on Professor Longhair's house and having the hardest damn time installing these original balusters and their accompanying handrails. They were all cut to fit in an exact order and there were about 13 balusters - and I could not for the life of my figure out the order. I disappeared for 10 minutes and poof! she had figured out something that had been stumping me for a few days.

We talked about a lot of things in that staircase. Her parents didn't understand her - they were making her be an engineer and all she really wanted to do was be a fireman (firewoman?). We had a lot of things in our childhood in common and wanted to live in quaint little houses that we'd fixed up ourselves when we were older (she worked at a similar position at Habitat for Humanity in Lafayette). She talked about owning her own place one day and having a space where she could work on cars - she really loved that. She was pretty masculine and told me, "but I can wear makeup sometimes," as if she was trying to prove to me that she can be a girl, that she's not always so rough. I recognized the need to defend herself for being herself as a soft and bruised spot and one I have too. We understood a lot about each other in that short time.

Toward the end of the week, I started to pull back from her because I sensed a little clinginess. Clinginess terrifies me.

I'm not sure what all of this amounts to, whether anything she told me was part of her reason. I've been hearing her voice in my head all day and I've been pretty wracked about it. This is particularly confusing because it's the middle of Mardi Gras season and everything is so fun and wonderful - booze and parades and plans and excitement - it's a ball. But there's also this. I didn't want to name her earlier because I don't want her parents to be able to google anything and find this post - that would only add to the hurt. But I also wanted to be truthful with what I know about her.

Good news next time, minions, I promise. Until then, I'll be a little brokenhearted but hoping that my sweet friend has finally found some peace and acceptance. We all deserve that.